Friday, August 28, 2009

Bonjou mes zamis.... Parfois je pense que I am so out of touch with what it means to love... I should clarify what I mean. I am so used to being by myself that I have and I am seeing that I have grown harder, colder, and I find suspicion and doubt with males that I trully wish to connect with... Which is not good. I have had not the greatest men in my life. But this one I have been seeing currently I really like but I can't seem to do anything it seems sometimes in my mind but offend him. And I never mean to. Because and I feel like a fool for saying but I think I am falling for him. And it scares me so much. For if I fall and give him love where will it leave me? Trully what shall I have? His name is Siafu... I give him this name for like the African Bulldog Ant he is tenacious, strong, powerful, quick and resourceful. There is also a kind of sharp bluntness in him that sometimes stings me. Which is interesting because he does not trust, he has trust issues and too because he maybe is as afraid of all this as I am. Who fears this more Siafu or myself? Who can say?

Yet still I am falling for him and like some tongue tied fool I can utter this to him because I fear so much that he is not ready to hear it or does not beleive me. I find myself wanting to please him but instead at times I come seeming ungrateful or cruel and I am not attempting to be so. It is just that since Trumph I am used to being alone and dependant upon myself and the God's blessings.

There is so much I wish to say to Siafu.
I want to tell him how when I look in his eyes I feel I can see almost forever and then nothing at all but the soul underneath. A soul that is as water. Necessary, cool, inviting, soothing to the skin as is his touch upon my own. Gentle and yet pwoerful, a force that can't be tamed that can build into a hurricaine of cyclone, that rip things away from their foundations and sink ships into its depths, a place where life lives unseen by my own eyes but known only to him. And I wish to swim in that sea that is his eyes for I feel in some strange way this soul of his, or Siafu will hold me up.
I want to tell him how much I respect him, how even though he says things that can be harsh I understand that he does care for me, and that I have not shared enough with him so that he knows how to speak to me at times (for the way we speak to each other in certain ways is learned, no one comes with a manual. He is not lazy like Trumph nor does he allow himself to be a victim of circumstance. He simply presses through and I feel that man like that by my side is good for me. Never once in his speaking have I heard him blame others for anything not even if they deserve his blame.
I want to tell him that I love his skin, that it thrills me touch him, that I want to be close to him because when I am I feel safe. That to lay against his chest is to release my fears and for those minutes I feel as if nothing can hurt me, no one can judge me, nothing will wound me for Siafu will not allow it. There is a protectiveness in those lovely eyes of water that burn. Yes I know this is an oxymoron. But I feel it and see it.
I want to tell Siafu that if we continue I will stop smoking, I will be kind (I am kind but skittish and things come ou the wrong way wioth him at times and I always want to bash my head against the wall and scream Kyon you idiot! WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT!), that I want no one else ( and in truth now I do not. Oh I see men who are attractive but they lack Siafu's je ne sais quoi.), that if you will let me I will tell you everything about me...But I am so afraid he will judge me for my past or find me to be...I dunno.... That he will reject me. Sometimes next to Siafu I feel stained... Because of my past with the drugs, because of my experiences with some men...Yet I know or hope he would not want tme to feel this way.

Siafu does approve of my education and I feel more so than I have with anyone that he could bear with me to see the prize come to fruition...AndI do feel so comfortable with him....I just wish arrgh this is hard for me...I want to please him. I want to make him happy...I want him to stay... Which that is the hard part to admit. It is not dependency or lack of sense of self. It is not tany of that. It is that I am so tired of sleeping alone. I am wearied of no one watching my back. I am sick to death of dating I despise it! I really do! I don't always like to go out to the clubs and bars but I would love to go the Museum or a play or a lecture with someone else. Do couple's dates and house parties, take picnics, go to the movies not by myself...SO much of the things I do in my life occur alone. I'm not afraid to be alone but I am triring of it. So there it is all of it.

No not all of it. Siafu is very handsome, more so that Trumph, he takes care of himself and when I see him I am at attention everytime. You know where right. I do not just want him for the sex though. Siafu is one of those men who like Trumph, and like Goldie and even Cortez for only these 3 men besides him have doen this...Ge conforts me. My burdens feel gone. And how does one communicate such a profound feeling to another and it all seems too soon?

Oh Siafu you have my head in whirl and my emotions a maelstrom and when I rise I think of you, when I lay down I think of you, and all other men are beginning to pale next to you. And I feel most happy when I am with you, in your prescence, wathing you, listening to your heart beat, feeling your body against mine, touching your skin, hearing your voice, enjoying your company. I know I am not perfect but my heart is good and I wish that I felt more comfortable to share what I feel for you but it just all comes out like bluh bluh bluh! It's not that I am ungrateful or rude or try to make you angry it's just that I am having to relearn all this and it is hard for me.

You don't understand I think that long ago I used to let everything show. My heart was laid open more than once and little by little it was hurt and wounded and then almost ruined. I slowly learned to keep it hidden. I suppose I am like you in that I don't want to be hurt and yet I wish I could let you in and I am confused and scared and happy to see you and nervous and thrill to feel you inside of me or beside me, and I just feel soooooo..... All over. And I recognize that I am falling for you. And just as I was with Trumph....I am terrified. But more so with you because life after Trumph is something that is all now entirely new to me with school and all happening and I have no idea which way to go.

You see love makes no sense and I am drowning in that senselessness. I saw him hier, Siafu. I spent the night with him and this morning he got mad because I made a comment about the orgne juice he made but I was not trying to insult him at all but I did... And now... Why is it that I can feel the start of tears as I write this? Why do I tremble as I type? Do I love him? Or is this just lust? No because I care for him. It is not just lust then. I don not want to throw him to the side nor do wish him to do such a thing to me. This is not infatuation or lust.

But I want to meet his family. I want to know his hopes and dreams. I want to build him up when he feels the world is trying to kick him down. I want to be his sanctuary in part ( for as spirutal as he is God is his sanctuary wholly and I will not compete with the Lord). I want to say to people, here is Siafu my man. He is good to me. he is beautiful, and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I want to hold his hand in the light of day and hold him in the dark of night. I want him to hold me close when the world seems to much for me and tell me... Kyon se tous bien amour. Kyon it's alright love. I want to make love with him (we are having sex now but want to make love), I want to fight with him, make up with him, be with him...

It is too much because he is all I think of and I know I have it real bad... And I am while so close, so afraid to let him know. Yet I have to figure it out soon because I do not want to loose him....Aie Mon Dieu help me out... I don't know what to do...

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Salut Mes Zamis Sak Passe!

Wassup Folkz this is me Kyon Saucier also known as Mr Kyon on A4A or Creole Elf on BGC.... Aww come on now like none of y'all are ever on those sites, yeah you are 'cause I've seen you... LOL!

Enter my world for a second... What? Huh? Well yes there are Black People in the NW and yes we have a vibrant culture up here. I mean naw Seattle aint Atlanta or NYC or DC or Chicago or any other city with a huge Black Population, but it's my home and there are few places as beautiful... Not too mention in all of the NW Seattle and Tacoma have the highest Black Population. So come on enter the world of Kyon....Yon Yon Yon.... Sigh. I was trying to make an echo sound. Now look I I know I got some typos and things so be patient with me folkz.... Cause I get excited when I write... Okay there is no excuse 'cept that it's my page I do what I want! *smile*




Yeah when I was younger I could've been considered a geek. Always my eyes fixed upon a world none could see. Always seeking to escape from the mundane things of this life.

But a geek I think of as dreamer, someone one who delights in things outside of the ordinary.

Just Me Again

Just Me Again
And why not? Dreams were not meant for the sleeping times

For the ordinary world need not be such a boring place. There's always more than enough room for the things that make one smile.

Wolf Rider

Wolf Rider
Bear Claw

Blood Elven Prince

Blood Elven Prince
Worlds within worlds

Drow Hunting Party

Drow Hunting Party
Dark Elven Elegance

Adieu mes zamis....

Adieu mes zamis....
May the light of Elves shine upon you....I know it's corny but this is my page!