Saturday, November 29, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Oh come not like none of y'all never got that kinda itch. I think I kinda opened the floodgates now because all of sudden I am extremely horny. I want everyone now. Oh well shit it was bound to happen at some point. These are the times I hate living in the NW. Lack of black men who like black men here in the NW it always kills me. All these fine black men into scraggly looking white men. I will never get that. I just won't.
Whatever the case things are evening out and I'm feeling pretty good hopefully this will all be of benefit well of course it will be and we shall just see. Well wish me luck guyz...
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Bonjou vas tous? Pas si bon pou moi. Infact it is horrible. I have been and am reeling. The breakup with Trumph, the loss of our apartment, having to live with friends, the stress of performing well at my job and worse of all the feeling of isolation… All of it gnawing ever persistently at my heart like a poison. On Friday night when I got paid I wanted my pain to stop. I wanted to not hurt and so I relapsed…..I wanted no more pain you understand. I was tired of my life being as it has been in these past weeks. I wanted to die and so I figured maybe that night I could overdose. I never did overdoes but I sure as hell fucked myself over.
I spent all my money. Not some all of it. Now I must face the music and face the painful fact that even though many people around are like Kyon you are so strong I am not and can’t be strong all the time. My soul has been cracking and buckling for a while now and all I feel is the pain.
SO because I relapsed I had to be honest with folkz that were important in my life. And I was and I lost some of them because of it. Or one of them more importantly Javiav. He called me so many ugly things, he felt betrayed and he said he is out of my life I just lost a friend and perhaps the promise of something more. But in a sense I feel clean I told him, I told my parents, my family, my friends who could see me at my best and bigger than myself because I knew I could not fall back into this and I knew I needed to be accountable and honest. Part of me wishes I never told Javiav but I was not going to lie to him about it. I was honorable about that at least. It’s I suppose easy to throw people away and kick them when they are down than it is to extend the hand.
However I am crawling out of the hole. I choose not to sit in my shit. I have a therapist I will be seeing on Thursday and I will be commencing going once again to the meetings those things I despise!!! But that I need for myself. I am listening to Departed right now and I feel a little better. I am having to move again too, of course I was honest with my roommates and they do not trust me which I can hardly blame them. At least I am taking responsibility. I was honest with them I even in the face of their choices. I understand it.
Didn’t I just shoot myself in both feet and then hack off my toes? Ouais j’ai fait. Of course I have knocked myself over the head many times and I have been kicked in the head by Javiav already enough mentally at least that I am over all that. All that is going forward and putting the breaks on this thing that can pull me only deeper into crap. My binge lasted one night and caused so much pain and damage but most of the damage can be repaired. The pain can heal. I can heal I just have to do what I have to do to get I under control and I will.
Addiction you see is not a pretty thing and at times even when you think you have killed it will rear its ugly head and let you know how vulnerable you are to it. I haven ever striven to be perfect on this blog. Nor have I tried to be. I am most painfully a man complete with talents, intelligence, good character, flaws, a past, and some not so great qualities. It’s all wrapped up in me. Still I wish I felt no pain and I wish I could gauge my internal boil better. I am always like I am strong mentally nothing really hurts me, I know how to cry when I need to, I know how to emote and let things go but that is not always true.
Still I wish….. I wish had never met him sometimes….I wish I never knew him… Who is him. That is for me to know?
Well there it is a man’s soul laid bare. If you struggle with drugs or alcohol and you are facing stress do not face it alone. Let people know, don’t be ashamed and get help. Relapses are anything but fun. Trust me…
All is well I am doing better I have found a therapist and I start with her tomorrow alos I will be doing some other things such as a group tomorrow as well staying still in Kent in a better place. I have worked out my issues and I feel good better. I just nneded to be in the right nmind and I finally feel as if I am. I have been doing well at work and I have been limiting my stresses and keeping away from things that oculd set me off. The road to recovery is never easy and it's a lifelong process. I suppose though that sharing this process is good. If I can help someone with this struggle if anyone can learn from this than all I have gone thru is worth it. Because it is not for me trully oftentimes what we go thru is for someone else.
That's the crux of it. SO I am better, I'm doing better, and this speed bump which is all the relapse was has made me stronger and more reallyaware of my feelings. I can't be strong all the time even I break and I have to be okay with that or at least I am learning to be okay with that.
Well all be blessed and show love to those around you.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
this is an amazing song, the message that is being delivered is so true, we as in people always call on jesus to help get us out of situations we can't handle, but we never call on him to say thank you, or say i appreciate you...GOD WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY TRUE ENOUGH, BUT WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO COMMUNICATE WITH HIM FOR MORE THAN JUST ASKING AND WANTING,WE SHOULD DO SOME ACCEPTING AND APPRECIATING OF WHAT GOD ALLOWS, BECAUSE WHAT GOD ALLOWS IS WHAT HE ALLOWS,TAKE SOME TIME OUT TO TELL HIM THANKS
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Bonjou vas tous? How goes it with all of you? By now if you are reading this you have deduced I hope at least, that Trumph and I have broken up. If you haven’t hen you’re stupid. Yes you are. Sorry I have to lash out at something. Right now I ‘m staying with John and Kim in Kent a suburb outside of my beloved Seattle. It’s nice house, I have my own room for the moment but I absolutely despise the whole situation. Meanwhile Trumph I assume is back with his mother in the same neighborhood that we left. How do I feel you may be asking? Trumph and I were together for 4 years total. How do I feel? I feel strange… I am confused. Every emotion is bubbling under my skin and racing through my blood. Some moments I feel relieved. I am single again, I can see who I want, and I can find a man who has the qualities that I want at least the ones that Trumph lacked. On the other hand I feel a great grief. Trumph loved me and he says he still does and I do love him it’s just the problems we had became too great. I miss his presence especially at night. He is not beside me and I feel so lonely. The loneliness is killing me. I never knew that silence could be so loud or at least I don’t remember how loud it was.
At night l lay in this hard bed by myself and have only myself now to comfort me. It’s hard none of this is easy. Still I tell myself it’s for the best. My mom called me last night and we talked and she was like well you seem alright…But it was a serious front. I suppose even in some of my private moments I still believe the appearance of strength is vital. Yet I feel so empty and I want to be held. I could care less if you think it’s bitching or whatever I do. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. Well that and I wanna have sex too. I do it’s been awhile and my body feels on fire too. So you see I am feeling everything and nothing makes sense.
Then there is Javiav. Aie mo Grand Met, sicre, beau, and powerful towering Javiav. I am falling for him. I have been for sometime, and I accepted friendship because of Trumph and because of Javiav being such a gentleman. That helped. However now that I am single…? And I believe Javiav has feelings. For me no scratch that shit he does. It was no more evident this weekend and my God Javiav how I owe you a debt. I do feel things for him, more than just lust….And that scares me. For 2 reasons.
1. I need some time but I also want some of him. I want this to be something good not shitty so I have to hold back for some time but I love being around him. I do like his company most of the time. This leads me to issue 2.
2. Javiav is from da block as he always tells me. Not a bad thing, some guyz are I get that. However some of the things that linger from those bygone days is a temper that can sweep aside any and everything in an instant. Javiav especially when he’s had a bit to sip can go from 0 to 10 in no time at all. And he gets angry. Now with such males in the past with careful conciliatory gestures and not a little bit of tongue biting myself I have been able to calm them down. Not with this male. I have had that rage affixed upon me a little bit and it does not feel good. Especially because Javiav can be so damn suspicious though as he says he does not trust readily or easily. So it is a dilemma for me. Javiav has a lot of the qualities I want in a man sans the temper but that is a big thing to me plus it’s the timing.
All I can do is take everything one step at a time. That is all I can do.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Obama est notre president!!!! Merci bon Dieu aie merci!!!! This was one ofhte most jubilant experiences of my life and I am so excited now for the future of our people, our country, and our world!!! Vive Obama! Vive Obama!!!!!! I never thought I would live to see this even ifI am hungover....
Monday, November 03, 2008
Put a ring on it white Girl Style!!!LOLOLOL!
This chick is out of Seattle and I love this song especially this jazz remix. And the music soothes me...
Salut Mes Zamis Sak Passe!
Enter my world for a second... What? Huh? Well yes there are Black People in the NW and yes we have a vibrant culture up here. I mean naw Seattle aint Atlanta or NYC or DC or Chicago or any other city with a huge Black Population, but it's my home and there are few places as beautiful... Not too mention in all of the NW Seattle and Tacoma have the highest Black Population. So come on enter the world of Kyon....Yon Yon Yon.... Sigh. I was trying to make an echo sound. Now look I I know I got some typos and things so be patient with me folkz.... Cause I get excited when I write... Okay there is no excuse 'cept that it's my page I do what I want! *smile*