Friday, August 28, 2009
Apparently I seem to have a great deal of time on my hands but what the heck. I get into these modes where I post and post some things that are relevant and profound other's fluff. It depends on my mood and humuer. At any rate I dunno. I feel still all a whirl emotionally though Erock told me not to worry too much. he is a cancer as is Siafu and he gave me an insight into Siafu's mindset as much as he could give. They are similar in some ways but not the same after all. Still my natural reaction is to turn into a Dark Elf, to be Mab of the Dark Winter Court and try to rid myself of these feelings... I mean to some degree for I do not like this process because of the fear. Yet Erock told me that one must be hurt sometimes. He actually quoted me in a convo we had some time past. And he is a s right now as I was with him back then. So I suppose I will be something else for the moment. I will take the risk and I will just try to see where this road with Siafu leads. Erock is right I am terribly emotional...But then it has been awhile too since I have fallen for someone and that says something too. I just need to sort out my feelings... That's all...
Sex that thing that drives so many of us males Gay or Straight. Most certainly it drives me but is that all there is tall of life? Well of course not I mean there is so much more to life than that but sometimes I wonder. At any rate these are some of my fav porn stars... I know I am being a bit sexual with stuff for this post but this is my blog and I can post what I will. Plus it provides a welcome distraction from Siafu.... And just to think of him now even makes me just... Ahhhh.... I believe I may be lovesick.
Yet still I am falling for him and like some tongue tied fool I can utter this to him because I fear so much that he is not ready to hear it or does not beleive me. I find myself wanting to please him but instead at times I come seeming ungrateful or cruel and I am not attempting to be so. It is just that since Trumph I am used to being alone and dependant upon myself and the God's blessings.
There is so much I wish to say to Siafu.
I want to tell him how when I look in his eyes I feel I can see almost forever and then nothing at all but the soul underneath. A soul that is as water. Necessary, cool, inviting, soothing to the skin as is his touch upon my own. Gentle and yet pwoerful, a force that can't be tamed that can build into a hurricaine of cyclone, that rip things away from their foundations and sink ships into its depths, a place where life lives unseen by my own eyes but known only to him. And I wish to swim in that sea that is his eyes for I feel in some strange way this soul of his, or Siafu will hold me up.
I want to tell him how much I respect him, how even though he says things that can be harsh I understand that he does care for me, and that I have not shared enough with him so that he knows how to speak to me at times (for the way we speak to each other in certain ways is learned, no one comes with a manual. He is not lazy like Trumph nor does he allow himself to be a victim of circumstance. He simply presses through and I feel that man like that by my side is good for me. Never once in his speaking have I heard him blame others for anything not even if they deserve his blame.
I want to tell him that I love his skin, that it thrills me touch him, that I want to be close to him because when I am I feel safe. That to lay against his chest is to release my fears and for those minutes I feel as if nothing can hurt me, no one can judge me, nothing will wound me for Siafu will not allow it. There is a protectiveness in those lovely eyes of water that burn. Yes I know this is an oxymoron. But I feel it and see it.
I want to tell Siafu that if we continue I will stop smoking, I will be kind (I am kind but skittish and things come ou the wrong way wioth him at times and I always want to bash my head against the wall and scream Kyon you idiot! WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT!), that I want no one else ( and in truth now I do not. Oh I see men who are attractive but they lack Siafu's je ne sais quoi.), that if you will let me I will tell you everything about me...But I am so afraid he will judge me for my past or find me to be...I dunno.... That he will reject me. Sometimes next to Siafu I feel stained... Because of my past with the drugs, because of my experiences with some men...Yet I know or hope he would not want tme to feel this way.
Siafu does approve of my education and I feel more so than I have with anyone that he could bear with me to see the prize come to fruition...AndI do feel so comfortable with him....I just wish arrgh this is hard for me...I want to please him. I want to make him happy...I want him to stay... Which that is the hard part to admit. It is not dependency or lack of sense of self. It is not tany of that. It is that I am so tired of sleeping alone. I am wearied of no one watching my back. I am sick to death of dating I despise it! I really do! I don't always like to go out to the clubs and bars but I would love to go the Museum or a play or a lecture with someone else. Do couple's dates and house parties, take picnics, go to the movies not by myself...SO much of the things I do in my life occur alone. I'm not afraid to be alone but I am triring of it. So there it is all of it.
No not all of it. Siafu is very handsome, more so that Trumph, he takes care of himself and when I see him I am at attention everytime. You know where right. I do not just want him for the sex though. Siafu is one of those men who like Trumph, and like Goldie and even Cortez for only these 3 men besides him have doen this...Ge conforts me. My burdens feel gone. And how does one communicate such a profound feeling to another and it all seems too soon?
Oh Siafu you have my head in whirl and my emotions a maelstrom and when I rise I think of you, when I lay down I think of you, and all other men are beginning to pale next to you. And I feel most happy when I am with you, in your prescence, wathing you, listening to your heart beat, feeling your body against mine, touching your skin, hearing your voice, enjoying your company. I know I am not perfect but my heart is good and I wish that I felt more comfortable to share what I feel for you but it just all comes out like bluh bluh bluh! It's not that I am ungrateful or rude or try to make you angry it's just that I am having to relearn all this and it is hard for me.
You don't understand I think that long ago I used to let everything show. My heart was laid open more than once and little by little it was hurt and wounded and then almost ruined. I slowly learned to keep it hidden. I suppose I am like you in that I don't want to be hurt and yet I wish I could let you in and I am confused and scared and happy to see you and nervous and thrill to feel you inside of me or beside me, and I just feel soooooo..... All over. And I recognize that I am falling for you. And just as I was with Trumph....I am terrified. But more so with you because life after Trumph is something that is all now entirely new to me with school and all happening and I have no idea which way to go.
You see love makes no sense and I am drowning in that senselessness. I saw him hier, Siafu. I spent the night with him and this morning he got mad because I made a comment about the orgne juice he made but I was not trying to insult him at all but I did... And now... Why is it that I can feel the start of tears as I write this? Why do I tremble as I type? Do I love him? Or is this just lust? No because I care for him. It is not just lust then. I don not want to throw him to the side nor do wish him to do such a thing to me. This is not infatuation or lust.
But I want to meet his family. I want to know his hopes and dreams. I want to build him up when he feels the world is trying to kick him down. I want to be his sanctuary in part ( for as spirutal as he is God is his sanctuary wholly and I will not compete with the Lord). I want to say to people, here is Siafu my man. He is good to me. he is beautiful, and I am so blessed to have him in my life. I want to hold his hand in the light of day and hold him in the dark of night. I want him to hold me close when the world seems to much for me and tell me... Kyon se tous bien amour. Kyon it's alright love. I want to make love with him (we are having sex now but want to make love), I want to fight with him, make up with him, be with him...
It is too much because he is all I think of and I know I have it real bad... And I am while so close, so afraid to let him know. Yet I have to figure it out soon because I do not want to loose him....Aie Mon Dieu help me out... I don't know what to do...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Si bonjou mes zamis it's been a bit hasn't it since I've last spoken with you. Alot has taken place since that time. Classes have finally ended and I am on break. I know se tres bien pou moi. J'ai besoin des fois pou moi-meme. It has been okay. I did very well good infact in all of my classes nothing below A or B work. Haven't yet seen my grades but I am pretty sure I did well. I got as I said a scholarship as well which is a very good thing and this will cover the schooling costs which is a blessing. I am proud of myself and so are my parents which hearing that made me smile.
I had lunch with them at Charlie's on the hill. Mom is getting over her sickness but she has to wear a small O2 tank. I know Kyon watch the ciggs areound Mummie! She is however recovering well and hopefully she will be able to have it removed by the dokte this week. Lunch was pleasant the food good, the conversation stimulating. They informed that they are selling their house and moving to a farm in Tigard. Which is seems crazy to me but they can't afford the mortgage any longer and they just had to sell to get out. They are not exactly crazy about it but my stepfather and mother are troopers and they are determined to make the best of the situation. David, my stepfather will be closer to his congregation in Tigard and Mom...Well she will just deal I suppose.
So I returned to Portland for a wedding this weekend. My cousin Jomo got married... And he married a white woman... I know I know but hey who am I to stand in the way of love. For if one has love what more does one need? Okay a whole lot more in some cases but you get my meaning. He is happy and Rebecca his new wife really does love him si il ya va. The next day I came back to Seattle with my brother Tim and his girl Lish who is in the photo with me... Aint she just lovely? I hope they marry! Anyways we came back and went to a ceremony honoring my late granny Charlene. My grandfather is a big supporter of the NW Kidney Center and he got a conference room named in her honor. The Center also does a lot for people of Color in the CD and South End communities of Seattle. So that was really good Grandpa did a great job and I told him Grandma would've been proud. I believe while she was looking down she was.
Trumph is going to rehab for a month I promised him I would visit him. I suppose this hopefully will be the first step in the right direction that he has taken in a long time. I am proud of him for that and wish him the best.
Halladay a dear acquantice to me and friend to say many committed suicide last week, apparently he had been depressed and drank battery acid. I know a grim horrid business. I hope his soul has flown to the side of the father and not to the side of the jable. Oh Halladay you idiot! Thousands came to your funeral and are mourning your passing! If only you would've trully known how much you were loved you would've never thought you were a burden.... You would've never killed yourself. Find peace my dear one.....
Finally there is a male that I think I really like. He has the body type I like, he has goals, he is handsome, he works, and he supports me in the school thing...I am treading slow with this one. I just don't want to mess this up...See he holds me...I have not had someone hold me like him in so long. He tells me to lay my head on his chest and he holds me against him and I feel so secure and safe... If you wanna get me, if you want my heart make me feel like you are safest place I know.... And you shall have it and he has totally done that with me... Still he kinda sends out mixed messages so I am trying to hold back my feelings... But oh when he holds me... I have just wanted to see him since I got back only so he would hold me.... And on that note I will end this post. Be blessed all of you and remember if you see someone hurting do not be afraid to intervene. You never know what people are going through and I can;t imagine any of you want a Hallady type situation in your circle either. Bissous mes zamis!!! PAIX!!!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Just a little look a what kindenss and humanity can do in a time of total darkness and espair! The result is a whole lot!
Has this ever happened to you? I swear if you are not real in your life bypass me...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Hear this and stand with Bukeni and I against the violence that occured against women in Zimbabwe!!!
Friday, August 14, 2009
Just heard this for the first time and I like it....
Listen up 'cause B Scott will tell you!!!
You know I'm all about Human Rights so check this out!
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Bonsoir mes zamis....
I have been so busy this week my head has not stopped spinning. I finished one of the 3 papers I have due by quarters end and turned it in today and gave my presentation which went well. I have been feeling so tired lately. Yet I am still me and still going strong even though I have been so focused on my school stuff I aint really had time to focus on other superfluous bullshit, like I usually do. Just kidding about that last part... Well sort of. Still it feels overall good to have a plan. My school funding for the Fall Quarter has been taken care of, and now it is just about surviving the end of the Summer one.
I have to admit though this has been an almost surreal experience doing all of this. Going back to school after 10 years of being out, midterms, papers, exams, presentations, all of that... I mean it just is kinda crazy to me. But even though I complain a little bit, I do like it. I mean this is a goal that I will complete. I have too because I can't stand doing what I was work wise before and I do not want to go back to that. This is just the sacrifice I have to make to get what I want.
Well it is late and I am tired. Ouais I have become more than familiar with that physical feeling as of late shit I'm yawning now.....
Be blessed guys and here are some photos of me having summer fun. Because hey it is still summer. Be blessed et adieu.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, August 09, 2009
So I just completed a financial aid thing which will consolidate my loans and get me access to more Financial Aid so I can continue with schooling which is essential for my plans to get out of the shitty jobs that I have been doing for like uhm well forever. I tell you my work seems to be never ever finished but it's kool and good that I have friends like Erock to help me out when I am in a jam. And how helps me w/o him I've non idee what I would do sometimes.
At any rate I am at his place right now having just finished that and we are probably going to go to the Cuff. It's the Sunday Tea Dance. I wonder why they are called T Dance 'cause we never drink tea there not even iced tea, well there is that sweet T vodka but well you know what I mean.
It should be fun so we shall see bye guyz adieu...
This has a good message so take it in. 'Cause shit like this has happened to me in the past and it wasn't fun. Sometimes you do not always have symptoms or you mistake them for something else. Know your bodies, protect yourself, and get tested guyz.
So today is Sunday and I should be in church but I decided I won't got today. I just don't feel like it right now. I am going to go home and change soon but for now I am rattling off one more entry into the blogosphere. So I am doing that. This will be a long week and I just want to kind of chill today for a bit. We shall see what transpires in the meantime I am happy just to be living. I think I have a cure finally to what has been ailing me. Je besoin d'un vacances. Yeah I do. I haven't been anywhere like outside of the NW pou 9 ans. Too long of a time. I need to go elsewhere and I hear Cali calling me like a sirene.
So I think I may go to San Francisco. Why not i mean I've never been there, I'll be having the time to go and I really need to get away. I was telling Erock last night I just feel so stretched thin lately again. So it seems a vacation is what I need. A couple days of seeing something new and maybe meeting someone new too
Ohhh how u doin? But mostly it will just be sometime to reflect and just have some fun. The last 3 years have hardly been easy in any stretch of the imagination and I need and deserve the time away from Seattle. As much as I love the Emerald City
it still at times drives me crazy being here. I mean what is the deal with the people here in Seattle? What is the deal with the Black Men gay and straight here. I've never met more folkz down with the swirl ever than here. Whatever, I'm sure San Fran may have the same dynamic though probably not I heard it don't.... Either way I am ready to bounce up out of here so San Fran I think in Septembre here I come... 'Cuase if I don't leave I will hurt someone here I swear....
SO Erock and I went out and danced away the stress or at least I did. I also sang I'm every woman at our karaoke bar the Crescent. In short I had a lovely time and I sweated and danced and simply had a great time. So there ya go. Good night boiz and all of you be blessed!!! Toute la monde dansent!!!!
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Now this song is one of my themes an aspect of my little Winter Fey Queen Personality Mab. 'Cause I am Queen Mab of Air and Darkness, the Winter Court and the Unseelie Fey. And I am as my friend's say (jokingly) I am cold as ice. Too bad that I can really be that way too.
Anthony Antione's cover of IF! I kinda think it's kinda good. So here you are.
Okay so first off I have a link to the new Whitney Houston single Million Dollar Bill, which is the shit for y'all here. I know, I know you are welcome. Here it is:
http://sinternet.com/blast/whitney/whitney.million.blast.html copy it and go to the link if it don't show up here or whatever. It's a good little jam produced by Swizz Beatz and was apparently written by Alicia Keys. Good song.
Now on to other things and et par le facon bonjou mes zamis. So economically things have been kinda crazy. I had a devil of time paying my rent this month and actually had to use some community resources. Hey you do what ya gotta do okay? I aint puttin it down it just is that I am ready for things to get better. This student poverty life is for the birds ya hear. Pou la verite pou des zozos. But at least it is paid. In the meantime I have 3 papaers due in the next two weeks that I have not started on and I am running on very little money and almost no food at home. Yeah things are kinda stressful right now. Yet somehow God always pulls it together for me and for that I am most grateful.
School is well actually in spite of the work I have to do I am loving the process something that was sadly lacking the first time around when I was in college. Oh yes it was much easier than but I hated where I was and most of the student body I despised. It is hard to be an openly Black Gay Man in your late teens and early 20's , who is not the most masculine guy in the world on a campus that out of 15K students only 200 were of African Descent. Right and I don't do the white men... Well not unless like extreme desperation sets in. And then I just tagg them and release them. I know it may seem cruel and heartless but I don't care I don't feel the bekes! Okay I just don't.
So anyways the school thang is working out well. Every step of the way God is guiding my steps and it only he doing that leading because I aim purely doing this whole thang on faith only and solely. Nothing else is guiding my steps but my work ethic and that is paying off. I've gotten all As or Bs nothing lower and for that Jesu merci bonsiegneur. So that is a good thing.
Males, males, males and they are making me crazy!!!! I can't stand this. These men so I am like kinda seeing, well I am seeing or have met or whatever. Both males are handsome and I have had sex with both of them... Yet both of them are I dunno too many things for me. So the first male ignores me until he wants some, I'm sorry that is what he does and I am supposed to be at his command when he comes my way. Fucking Leo bastard! Yeah like all I am is a dick repository for you nigga!? Uhh! The other one I met recently is interesting, he doesn't like that I smoke and I can tell is critical and a bit opinionated. Of course both males seem believe that they have exclusive rights to me. Hello I am not either of your trinket I am a human being. How do some males seem to think they own you just because you let them get some especially when they aggress for it? Right. It is ridiculous and crazy. So here I am with these 2 males. Not knowing what to do about any of it. I mean should I just not even deal? I mean for real I am hating being alone right now. I hate the loneliness. The fact that I sleep alone. I am alone, I mean I could I suppose try and tempt Trumph to my side but for what reason? I mean it would do no good and talking to Trumph is nothing but depressing and slightly irritating these days. I find myself more than tired of his belly aching. I am sorry Trumph but you do kinda whine and it irritates me. I know you can do whatever you wish and you will just get to doing it. I have faith in you just start having it in yourself.
Still life is what it is... I dunno I thought that once I turned 30 life would be easier ha ha! That is not the case but in some ways it is easier, but goodness. I still do not understand males any better.
Salut Mes Zamis Sak Passe!
Enter my world for a second... What? Huh? Well yes there are Black People in the NW and yes we have a vibrant culture up here. I mean naw Seattle aint Atlanta or NYC or DC or Chicago or any other city with a huge Black Population, but it's my home and there are few places as beautiful... Not too mention in all of the NW Seattle and Tacoma have the highest Black Population. So come on enter the world of Kyon....Yon Yon Yon.... Sigh. I was trying to make an echo sound. Now look I I know I got some typos and things so be patient with me folkz.... Cause I get excited when I write... Okay there is no excuse 'cept that it's my page I do what I want! *smile*