Wed Oct 28, 2008
Bonjou vas tous? How goes it with all of you? By now if you are reading this you have deduced I hope at least, that Trumph and I have broken up. If you haven’t hen you’re stupid. Yes you are. Sorry I have to lash out at something. Right now I ‘m staying with John and Kim in Kent a suburb outside of my beloved Seattle. It’s nice house, I have my own room for the moment but I absolutely despise the whole situation. Meanwhile Trumph I assume is back with his mother in the same neighborhood that we left. How do I feel you may be asking? Trumph and I were together for 4 years total. How do I feel? I feel strange… I am confused. Every emotion is bubbling under my skin and racing through my blood. Some moments I feel relieved. I am single again, I can see who I want, and I can find a man who has the qualities that I want at least the ones that Trumph lacked. On the other hand I feel a great grief. Trumph loved me and he says he still does and I do love him it’s just the problems we had became too great. I miss his presence especially at night. He is not beside me and I feel so lonely. The loneliness is killing me. I never knew that silence could be so loud or at least I don’t remember how loud it was.
At night l lay in this hard bed by myself and have only myself now to comfort me. It’s hard none of this is easy. Still I tell myself it’s for the best. My mom called me last night and we talked and she was like well you seem alright…But it was a serious front. I suppose even in some of my private moments I still believe the appearance of strength is vital. Yet I feel so empty and I want to be held. I could care less if you think it’s bitching or whatever I do. I want someone to hold me and tell me it will be alright. Well that and I wanna have sex too. I do it’s been awhile and my body feels on fire too. So you see I am feeling everything and nothing makes sense.

Then there is Javiav. Aie mo Grand Met, sicre, beau, and powerful towering Javiav. I am falling for him. I have been for sometime, and I accepted friendship because of Trumph and because of Javiav being such a gentleman. That helped. However now that I am single…? And I believe Javiav has feelings. For me no scratch that shit he does. It was no more evident this weekend and my God Javiav how I owe you a debt. I do feel things for him, more than just lust….And that scares me. For 2 reasons.

1. I need some time but I also want some of him. I want this to be something good not shitty so I have to hold back for some time but I love being around him. I do like his company most of the time. This leads me to issue 2.
2. Javiav is from da block as he always tells me. Not a bad thing, some guyz are I get that. However some of the things that linger from those bygone days is a temper that can sweep aside any and everything in an instant. Javiav especially when he’s had a bit to sip can go from 0 to 10 in no time at all. And he gets angry. Now with such males in the past with careful conciliatory gestures and not a little bit of tongue biting myself I have been able to calm them down. Not with this male. I have had that rage affixed upon me a little bit and it does not feel good. Especially because Javiav can be so damn suspicious though as he says he does not trust readily or easily. So it is a dilemma for me. Javiav has a lot of the qualities I want in a man sans the temper but that is a big thing to me plus it’s the timing.

All I can do is take everything one step at a time. That is all I can do.