Nov 14
Bonjou vas tous? Pas si bon pou moi. Infact it is horrible. I have been and am reeling. The breakup with Trumph, the loss of our apartment, having to live with friends, the stress of performing well at my job and worse of all the feeling of isolation… All of it gnawing ever persistently at my heart like a poison. On Friday night when I got paid I wanted my pain to stop. I wanted to not hurt and so I relapsed…..I wanted no more pain you understand. I was tired of my life being as it has been in these past weeks. I wanted to die and so I figured maybe that night I could overdose. I never did overdoes but I sure as hell fucked myself over.



I spent all my money. Not some all of it. Now I must face the music and face the painful fact that even though many people around are like Kyon you are so strong I am not and can’t be strong all the time. My soul has been cracking and buckling for a while now and all I feel is the pain.



SO because I relapsed I had to be honest with folkz that were important in my life. And I was and I lost some of them because of it. Or one of them more importantly Javiav. He called me so many ugly things, he felt betrayed and he said he is out of my life I just lost a friend and perhaps the promise of something more. But in a sense I feel clean I told him, I told my parents, my family, my friends who could see me at my best and bigger than myself because I knew I could not fall back into this and I knew I needed to be accountable and honest. Part of me wishes I never told Javiav but I was not going to lie to him about it. I was honorable about that at least. It’s I suppose easy to throw people away and kick them when they are down than it is to extend the hand.



However I am crawling out of the hole. I choose not to sit in my shit. I have a therapist I will be seeing on Thursday and I will be commencing going once again to the meetings those things I despise!!! But that I need for myself. I am listening to Departed right now and I feel a little better. I am having to move again too, of course I was honest with my roommates and they do not trust me which I can hardly blame them. At least I am taking responsibility. I was honest with them I even in the face of their choices. I understand it.



Didn’t I just shoot myself in both feet and then hack off my toes? Ouais j’ai fait. Of course I have knocked myself over the head many times and I have been kicked in the head by Javiav already enough mentally at least that I am over all that. All that is going forward and putting the breaks on this thing that can pull me only deeper into crap. My binge lasted one night and caused so much pain and damage but most of the damage can be repaired. The pain can heal. I can heal I just have to do what I have to do to get I under control and I will.



Addiction you see is not a pretty thing and at times even when you think you have killed it will rear its ugly head and let you know how vulnerable you are to it. I haven ever striven to be perfect on this blog. Nor have I tried to be. I am most painfully a man complete with talents, intelligence, good character, flaws, a past, and some not so great qualities. It’s all wrapped up in me. Still I wish I felt no pain and I wish I could gauge my internal boil better. I am always like I am strong mentally nothing really hurts me, I know how to cry when I need to, I know how to emote and let things go but that is not always true.



Still I wish….. I wish had never met him sometimes….I wish I never knew him… Who is him. That is for me to know?



Well there it is a man’s soul laid bare. If you struggle with drugs or alcohol and you are facing stress do not face it alone. Let people know, don’t be ashamed and get help. Relapses are anything but fun. Trust me…

Nov 20

All is well I am doing better I have found a therapist and I start with her tomorrow alos I will be doing some other things such as a group tomorrow as well staying still in Kent in a better place. I have worked out my issues and I feel good better. I just nneded to be in the right nmind and I finally feel as if I am. I have been doing well at work and I have been limiting my stresses and keeping away from things that oculd set me off. The road to recovery is never easy and it's a lifelong process. I suppose though that sharing this process is good. If I can help someone with this struggle if anyone can learn from this than all I have gone thru is worth it. Because it is not for me trully oftentimes what we go thru is for someone else.

That's the crux of it. SO I am better, I'm doing better, and this speed bump which is all the relapse was has made me stronger and more reallyaware of my feelings. I can't be strong all the time even I break and I have to be okay with that or at least I am learning to be okay with that.

Well all be blessed and show love to those around you.