Sak passe mes zamis?

So I thought long and hard before posting because I wasn't sure how honest I should be for what has transpired as of late in my life. So if you get offended or want to send me some kind of nasty message I shall tell you to stop reading this post or decline. This blog is about me and my own health, my soul, my mind, and my sanity. It is my place to heal, to confess, to be real with myself. So it is in this facon that I choose to post what I will this day.

So many things have happened these two weeks good and bad for such are the experiences of life. I lost control two weeks past and relapsed. Please no posts of how ashamed I should be or how stupid I am or how wrong my actions were. I am and have been during these days my greatest judge... I almost lost everything and to that end I have been vigilant to continue on my journey...I know why I did. Part of it was complacency, not being strong enough to admit maybe I need help, being too proud to express my emotions...Because I hate the holidays. Around this time I have been known to relapse. No I do not do it every year but if there is ever a time for me to seek fleeting comfort it is these holiday times. Especially this year. It's just having to see my fmaily frankly scares me at times. My homosexuality is still a big issue and I always feel so inadequate in the greater scheme of things when it comes to them. While my striaght younger brothers shine simply because their dicks rise for females. There I said it.

Things have been going good for the most part but this time of year makes me want to scream. It's the idea of being around my family or part of my family that I do love but who drive me insane. I don't know perhaps there is no explanation other than that I was not vigilant enough. So now things are better andI am in a better place but still the darkness holds on and even if it resides in the slightest parts of my soul, I resolve to be more vigilant to recognize it and be aware of the fact. Enough about that now I just had to share that.

Two weeks past Trumph and I were privy to knowledge of a most blessed and wonderful kind. Amorita, Bumpalump's mother was pregnant. I wasn't supposed to say anything since originally she was to have an abortion but then she decided to keep the child and it was cool I mean knowing that another Bumpalump would be amongst us in this world. Then this week she miscarried no thanks in part to the idiotic dokte under whose care she was. She started spotting on Monday Night and called them.

"Oh there is nothing wrong..." They sang to her as if blood dripping from a woman's vagina when it is not her period it normal. Next day Tuesday she was seized with cramps of a nature so violent she could barely move. I know because we had to watch Bumpalump this week as well as last. Still all was well the dokte sang to her. Today the child is dead and she is not well. Not in soul or mind...

Pauvre Rita she won't eat, does not want to be alone. I can feel her pain almost I told her there was nothing she did wrong, that these things happen but my words felt so hollow. How can I bring comfort to someone who has lost her child in her womb? It;s like there is nothing appropriate to really say and all I want is to stop her pain. I told her that she still has Bumpalump and Gods ways while not always ways make sense to us are the best.

We went to brunch today, Rita, Trumph, Bumpalump and I, then I broke away to come blog. It has been awhile since I have done this and the release feels good...Healing. A salve to my soul. If anything Rita's miscarriage has changed me already, a shock to my system to just keep it together for her and lil man and I will. Brunch was good for Bumpalump has as sual through all of our troubles put a smile on our faces and song of joy in our hearts, still today there is an air of tragedy hanging over our little family. Trumph and I are the only one who know and I suppose that is for the best...

As for Trumph he is doing alright, he is if nothing else a good man and I know at times I do not deserve him. he loves me, and I know that when I look into his eyes that everything will be alright. It was this steadfastness of peace that made me love him in the first place. That has not changed.

Lately I have been reflective, watchful, and just doing what I need to do. Meetings, working doing well with that, I finally have a day off after 10 straight days of work. okay I know a rest well earned. Work is cool though I have to admit I have a great deal of fun there with my coworkers. BreAnn one of my friends is having a birthday party this weekend that I will be attending so that should be cool. We're just going to go Fridays or something. I look forward to it.

Roberto our very good friend is back in town and his presence has been no small comfort in these crazy weeks to Trumph and I, Bumpalump adores him and Roberto is teaching him Espagnol.

I feel clean now. As if all of the bad and wrong is balanced with the good and this blog post has been if nothing else therapeutic. Keep Amorita in your prayers of comfort and if anything pray greater strength for me. I have overcome so much I just have to keep on overcoming. And hat is what really what life is for all of us. Continually overcoming to be the best men or women we can be. In spite of the hurdles, rivers, mountains, and accidents we endure and encounter along the way...

Aujourd'hu j'envie bien. Je serais d'accord. I will be okay. Now I am smiling. To all those in blog land be blessed and Mr Jones i hope you found out where you want to go for vacation.

A tout alors....