

Salut mes amis...I am feeling at this moment depressed. My money situation this month has been extremely difficult, I had to ask the Erlking to borrow some cash and I dunno I feel bad about that... I actually lost some money. Alot of it I know can you bleive that. I am a klutz and half. That and well I am trying to give him some space because we said we would take things slower and then I just lately have been feeling like...Well okay so I was speaking with a classmate yesterday and he was just like you know doesn't it seem like since we got into school stuff has just gotten so much harder... And I agreed with him. Don't get me wrong I am well aware of the blessings I've been given with this opp...And I do not knock that at all. Mais Mon Dieu this has been a very difficult experience at times. I hate being broke all the time! I hate that I do not yet have a job because if I start working I will totally jeopordize my schooling! I am tired of being that guy who rarely has anything in his pockets. It makes me feel less of un homme. I wish the Erlking was here to just hold me now. And he is not and I feel like crying right now....Aie aie aie.
It just seems like for the right steps forward I take like what 20 backwards. And I feel like that character Corey in the Ski Trip "Every Gay Man's Nightmare"! Yet I have great friends, I have people in my life that I know love me even when I am unlovable, muy parents are all living, I am not ill or sick with naything.... I am survivor of so many things and it could be worse.
I could be living in Port au Prince or Logoane or Jacmel right now. I could be homeless or living in a war zone or a really bad ghetto environment and not the so so one I live in here in Seattle. Still I am just having a moment when I am feeling hopeless. I mean even my problems though perhaps not so great when compared to others are still for me significant at this moment. And I know this will not be forever but Dieu it feels like it. Am I whining because that is not my intent and usually on here I attempt to focus on the positive but this month has seemed like torture for me. I just feel crazy sometimes....

I know I kinda look crazy there don't I with the glowing eyes and all.
I want to be economically secure and working I want it all done right now, this schooling I want to stop being this poverty stricken student. Because for real it does not feel me with pride all the time...I am not having a pity party I am just feeling not so great right now.... Yet I know thiws too shall pass... I just hope it passes soon.