SO I just ran into Siafu he was here at the libarary he said or acted like he wanted no company so I just let him be...I am kinda feeling a sense of et down over him even though I like him I just don't know what to do or the fact that I have fallen some for him... Ahh bien once again males make no sense to me. SO I have stopped trying to figure this one out.... In the meantime I think that vacation may happen next week after things get settled. I need to leave towm. Where will I go a surprise but some where else. Somewhere that is far from Seattle...Somewhere new. I need to get out of here. This place is killing me... I do not mean that literally just I feel stretched again...And sooo there it is... Perhaps I can find something to get my groove back... So that some male and my feelings feel him will not lay me low...There are things that are happening that are changing in my life...Things I have no desire to speak of but that are going to help me...Hmmm amazing what happens when your heart feels I dunno Siafu kinda made me feel bad...ANd I do not relish that feeling.

Aiight Kyon get out of this feeling... Now! Ahhh c'est bien. Wait one minute... So this continues now to tomorrow....

Siafu calls me while I am blogging...

S: Where are you? (Impatience in the voice, with a hint of irritation.)
K: At the library still... (My voice quivers I wanted at that moment to cry a bit. He acted like he didn't even know me not 5 minutes earlier.)
S: SO could you as a favor buy me some things at the grocery store? I mean if you want too...?
K: (I brighten then for a second) Yeah I guess I can what do you want?
S: Well wait a minute weren't we supposed to go to the movies today? Or tomorrow I had I day I could've used it!?
K: I had some money things come up and I tried to call you-
S: Fine! Naw it's all good you are busted that's fine you coud've called me or told me instead of trying to be slick. I guess you been so slick for some long you don't even know when you're being that way! You know what forget it I was going to have you get the food and have dinner with me but now I don't even want to eat with you let alone see you!
K: Siafu I asked you to call me I wanted to talk to you but-
S: I don't even want to hear it that's fine!
K: (Now I am crying out of frustration, anger, hurt and perhaps lovesickeness)
S: Wait Kyon... Are you crying?
K: Yes! You are such an asshole sometimes! I will go get your damn food!
(Sobbing now)
S: No Kyon I didn't mean oh God Kyon wai-

I hung up and went to QFC which is a jump literally from the library and bought him some food, he said he would pay me back, I know I didn't mention that in the dialouge and then headed to Siafu's home which is not too far from there. I got there he let me in and I was still crying and he came to the door and took the bags from me and put them on his counter and then led me to his bed nad sat me in his lap and said:

"I never knew... I am sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings I have food I just was being spoiled and I am sorry for talking to you like that baby... I didn't mean to be like that...Just don't cry... I always thought you just thought of me like a booty call or fuck buddy but a man does not cry over a booty call..."

IN that moment Siafu knew now that I was in the grip of feelings. I accepted his apologies and let the exquistieness of his gentleness wash over me like a soothing stream...Then we spoke of many things that night, we ate, and we... Well you know... Afterwards we just chilled watched some tele and enjoyed each other's company. Siafu was different this time with all of it... All of it... HE was for the first time not so harsh with me, he said he realized that I was sensitive and that my tears were something that came from a place of vulnerability and I think for the first time and he said this himself:
"I see you differently...I see you as something more than what I have been seeing you as." SO perhaps for the first time I am thinking because of how he spoke calling me once again his baby et al. that Siafu is allowing himself to think and feel more for me. That makes me smile. That makes me want to be better and what is more that makes my heart soar. Siafu and I have turned a corner in this undefined relationship we have...For it is a form of a relationship...

THe thing is I have not cried over a man in sometime...Since Trumph cast me out like trash from his life. I promised myself I would never give a male such satisfaction ever... Yet the heart can't control such things. At least mine can't. You see I am a man who responds with emotions. When I am happy I laugh and giggle and skip and dance! When I am afraid I stutter and stammer in French or Creole, I search for comfort or avenues of escape or perpare to fight... When I am moved to places few can see but all can recognize I am swept away and tears come...When I am sad I hold myself tight and hurt and I often cry. When I am anbry or frustrated I vent or occasionally cry too. Be assured though that in anger if I cry it is not so good... So there it is...I have always been a sensitive soul...A man who cries at movies and weddings, a man who rages for those oppressed by grevious injustice, and a man who rejoices in the good fortunes and blessings of others. I am also a nice guy and we tend to finish last... It may sound cliche but I have seen it before so I dunno I will just continue on this path with Siafu... And I will see where my heart takes me... Yet now Siafu knows that I have as he said:
"Caught feelings for him." And I am glad and I beleive that he is too. He is happy about but he is afraid as am I. Yet I would never intentionally hurt him and for now I believe he would not either and that is something... Where the road with Siafu will lead I do not know but I am not afraid so much anymore to see where it will go.... Paix mes zamis...